The Fifth Lover of Dave Strider
by Sarahaku
Summary: Plenty of people that collect things. Buttons, weird rocks, creepy dolls, y'know . I kind of picked up a habit of collecting relationships, collecting peoples affection. I was an addict. I couldn't stop. Until the was one kid that made me screw over everything I'd built up. I let it all crumble to win his affection and I messed up. (JohnDave Humanstuck. I don't own homestuck!)
1. Chocolates

**A/N: hello!**

"Hey," I said with a deliberate smirk, "I got you something." The tan-skinned boy in front of me grinned eagerly, as I'd hoped.

"What is it?" I shrugged. "_Dave_," he said, "Pl-please don't, uh, tease me," he said with a bashful smile. I coolly passed him a game card. The sun reflected off its surface. He curiously reached and took it, tilting it back and forth to admire the foil card.

"This musta been a fortune! It's really rare!" I shrugged it off as nothing. Really, I bummed the twenty bucks the card cost of my brother. I glanced down at my phone, which has just buzzed. It's from Terezi, another friend of mine. _4R3 YOU COM1NG? _Shit, I forgot all about meeting up with her. I stood up and kissed the boy's head.

"Hey, Tavros, that was my Bro," I lied. "I'll see you tomorrow, alright?" Tavros smiled and nodded. I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek, making him blush, and stood up to leave. I still didn't quite understand why I was with him. But right now, Tavros was definitely my favorite. That was, probably, subject to change. Last week it'd been TZ and I always did seem to go back to the internet lovers.

The thing was, I never really _left _any of them.

You ever had a bunch of chocolate and you decide you're gonna eat one? Then you're like _damn that was a good chocolate. _So you eat like nine of them. Then you're thinking you better stop eating them before you eat them all and you get fat or whatever. You _know _you shouldn't eat that chocolate. But you do. Your self control is out the window. I have that problem.

Except with me, I can never get enough superficial teenage love. It started very simply with me dating Terezi. After a while I realized I was way more attached to her than any cool guy should ever act. After a while, we ended up breaking it off. Then I met a guy online. Karkat Vantas. Cool enough kid. So we started dating online.

That was fun for a long time. It was pretty easy to handle and left me no responsibility, two things I ate up like a pig in shit. Then shit got complicated. Terezi's date had stood her up one day and she was pretty upset.

Gold star if you can guess what happened there. Now, Terezi _knew _I was in another relationship. And she didn't care. So we kept it going, in secret. After a while, I met a nice enough girl online named Jade. Well she confessed to me. It was like having another chocolate waved around in my face. I took it. Terezi was annoyed with me, but she didn't stop me.

Newest of all was Tavros. Sweet, innocent little Tavros who never would think that he'd dating the biggest asshole on the planet. I promised myself Jade was my last, I'd even consider picking between her and Karkat and cutting it off with Terezi. Get my shit together, you know? But when Tavros and I started talking, I knew it was out the window. I couldn't take it. He confessed to me. He was innocent, and sweet and I didn't want to say no. I didn't want to hurt his feelings.

But even more, I didn't have the willpower to say no. I liked Tavros, and the words "I'm already with someone," didn't even cross my mind.

Sometimes, I'd considered cutting off the two on the internet. I'd stared blankly at the simple break up messages I'd typed out, before deleting them and sighing.

Some people collect comic books, some people collect photographs. I collect lovers.

I knew very well it was wrong. But I felt like I got something different from each of them, a different kind of emotional high that I hid between black aviators. Tavros was sweet and caring. Terezi was the one I could talk to. Karkat was the one that I could tease. And Jade was the one that I could play the prince with.

That was fun, and it was cool. I spent my days with Tavros, I spent my evenings with Terezi, and I spent my nights with Karkat and Jade.

And then there was one more. The one that didn't like me. But he came in later. I'd never actually _confessed _before, so I'd never handled rejection. And that shit was about to set me straight, let me tell you.


	2. Spoiled

**A/N: I. Love. Terezi.**

I will be the first to admit, I am used to getting what I want. My Bro has an excess of spending money, and he tends to be busy so if I ask for a few bucks he hands it over to get me off his back. It's pretty cool. But it makes it even more of a pain in the ass to deal with when I don't get what I want. I have the coping skills of a snot-faced two year old when it comes to not getting what I want. I mean, I don't cry and get red-faced and snot-nosed- I've got an image to keep. But bygones are not ever bygones with me.

That would probably be the root of my problem. The underlying truth buried in layers and layers of soil anchoring this giant-ass weed I call my personality in place. If I want something and I can have it, I take it. None of that conscience crap. When I was a kid, I stole so many packages of gum if I still had them all now I probably could have built a second home out of them.

Of course the game I played now was a bit different then my Fruit Stripes nabbing past. Love, they said, was trial and error. So far I hadn't met the whole "error" part. I figured it wasn't in my blood. Maybe I was one of those people that just got whomever I wanted. With four relationships going, it certainly seemed that way.

And then came along the Error himself. Jesus Christ, you'd expect him to be out of my league. He was. But not, like, some rich kid with thousands of girls and/or boys flying to his sides like he was a magnet. Not even close. He was the opposite.

John Egbert did not come into my life with a bang. He wasn't anything special. At least, nobody else thought he was. He was a buck-toothed brunette with a crappy taste in entertainment and a mouth that never seemed to close. He was an odd mix of lanky and pudgy, and had glasses that always seemed chronically crooked. Despite the fact that he was sixteen years old he still seemed stuck in puberty with a cracking voice and a face dotted with acne.

And god damnit, I wanted him.

At first, he was just another kid. It was a normal day when he came around. I was sitting with Tavros, Terezi and a few other kids. Terezi sat across from me, her arms crossed. The synesthesiac always seemed to know what was going on around her. She'd be impossible to cheat on, really. She would probably know within seconds- part of the reason she was the only one aware about my situation. Her red glasses shielded her unseeing eyes, but it still sort of gave me the creeps. Like she _knew_. What she knew? Hell if I know. But she knew it. Tavros was sitting about as far away as he could while still sitting next to me, because the whole public-display thing freaked him out. Whatever, it reaised less suspicion and rumors about me, him and Terezi.

Terezi turned to chat with her cronies that piled at either side of her, a small group of girls that hung onto her every word.

"Hello! Mind if I sit here?" Conversation died down at the table for the most part, and heads swiveled. And that was how I met John. He hovered above the table, clutching a lunch tray with a hopeful grin. Terezi shrugged.

"'Sup to Dave," she said simply. I looked at the boy. Honestly, I didn't see why in the world he'd pick _this _lunch table, out of every other lunch table. The one with the paraplegic, and the two kids with the unreadable shades, and the jabbering girls. But I had to give him credit for trying.

"Sure," I said with a curt nod. He beamed moronically.

"Thanks!" he said, as though I'd just done him the most unrepayable service. He shoved a forkful of mashed potatoes into his mouth, then began to speak the minute his mouth was empty. "I'm John, by the way. John Egbert! I just moved here with my dad and stuff. He got transferred by work." He filled his mouth again, the first among many situations that proved unless John Egbert's mouth was doing something, he would apparently die. Though it's never been proven, it's never been disproven either because the kid is always talking, or biting his nails, or eating, or chewing on his lip. The muscles on his stupid face could probably life more wait than he could otherwise. "Nice to meet you." I nodded.

At first, I didn't think much of the dork. Honestly, I was relieved to get away from him. Every second he was partaking in some sort of conversation he got nervous. He looked like he was going to blow up after thirty whole seconds of me talking to Tavros. So, once he was gone the only thing on my mind was that it hadn't been soon enough. I didn't worry about him at all. I already had my hands full with my high-maintenance reputation and my four demanding relationships that I had to keep balanced.

It was really down to a science. Unfaithful-Douche-ology. I hadn't talked to Karkat much lately, so I had to make sure to pay attention to him tonight before he got upset. I was more in the mood to talk to Jade, really, but sometimes I had to make sacrifices.

I logged onto my computer and opened up my chat which was already telling me that I had nine new messages. Three from Jade, six from Karkat. I opened up the chat with Karkat.

**CG: DAVE.**

**CG: YOU ALIVE?**

**CG: SHIT YOU DOUCHEBAG WHERE ARE YOU?**

**CG: I KNOW BETTER THAN TO WORRY ABOUT YOU.**

**CG: YOU'RE PROBABLY JUST OFF BEING A DOUCHE SOMEWHERE.**

**CG: WHENEVER YOU FEEL LIKE NOT BEING A RETARD.**

I smirked and cracked my knuckles, beginning to type. Everything I did was like an act, like I was a fucking ballerina and I was doing my stupid little pirouettes and everyone was amazed and thought I was graceful and wonderful. But behind stage I was really just some crabby bitch with a temper. At least I had the staged part under control.

It was never my intention to ever let anyone backstage.


	3. Take The Gun, Hurl It At Your Ally

Maybe if I was one of those girls that can sit and gossip for hours on end while painting my nails and sipping iced lattes in between the constant movement of my pastel-pink painted lips I could recount ever single little bit of my conversation with Egbert the next few days. But, alas, I prefer plain coffee and my lipstick tube just ran out. So, I can't offer much in the way of details.

All I remember was it was the first time since Terezi that I'd had a completely irrational crush on someone. I mean, seriously. Even if the kid had really blue eyes, and a stupid smile and helped me pick up my books when I dropped them (if Bro found out I'd tripped over my own shoelaces he would probably tie me by my ankles to the ceiling until all the uncool had left me through my nostrils.) And, yes, by the end of the week, I was fully ready to try some of the Strider charm on John.

The Strider charm did not work on John. It was like he wore a charm-proof vest of idiocy. Possibly heterosexuality. Whichever. Later, however I found out it was neither of those things. It was a certain blind bitch-with-benefits of mine.

"Yo, Egbert," I called. I certainly had not jogged to catch up with him. Oh no. Nope. Didn't happen.

"Hey Dave! What's up?" I pushed my glasses up on my nose. Certainly not a nervous tick. Just a display of my suave Strider coolness.

"Going to class." Was he blind? Or just dying to make conversation? I knew the answer to that one.

"Oh, you're going this way too? Cool."

"Yep," I drawled. "Hey, John. You up for grabbing some lunch tomorrow?"

John smiled. "Oh, you're not busy with Tavros?" I froze. I certainly did not tell John about Tavros. And I doubted Tavros did. There were, like, three people on Earth my paraplegic boyfriend even talked to. And John was not one of them.

"Me and Tavros," I tested with a deadpan.

"Oh," John said quickly. "Sorry if that's prying. Just... Terezi told me you two were together. I figured you'd rather, you know, hang out with him than feel bad for this dork anymore!" He laughed a bit. I shrugged. Even if smiling was a thing I did, I would not have been able to do it then.

Terezi.

That little...

I knew she didn't like me going and collecting love interests. But sabotaging my chances with John? That was not cool. At that point in time I was still as shallow a bastard as ever. I didn't even consider why maybe it wasn't ridiculously bitchy of Terezi to tell John about my thing with Tavros.

Now, like I've mentioned, I do not do good at not getting what I wanted. And I wanted to score some points with John. So I said the first thing that came to mind. And maybe I shouldn't have. All I know is it's too late now and the words had gone and forced their way out of my mouth, just like all the hundred and hundreds of others lies that had come before it. It had learned from it's ancestors and it came out seamlessly, nothing to indicate that it was a complete lie.

"Oh, we broke up a while ago," I said.

Wait, shit, what? I had a few options at this point. I could run for my life, which was seeming like the best thing to do. But I refused to run because I had my pride and my idea that I would never back down. I'll tell you, if I was ever in the army I'd be dead in three minutes because I wouldn't be able to swallow my pride enough to dodge a bullet. I could, also, admit that that wasn't true. I can't remember a time where I had ever come clean on a lie unless I was forced (which only ever happened with one of Bro's swords to my neck.) I could leave it at that and wait for shit to go down all by itself with an angry John and a hysterical, questioning Tavros. I could probably lie my way out of that one, too but I'd be out a certain buck-toothed doofus.

And the last option. I'm sure you can figure out what it was. And I took it. I set up my meeting with John and I walked off. I went through the rest of the day without much thought. It's almost startling to thing how little this whole thing bothered me. I was so convinced I had everything under control. If I was a soldier at this point, I guess this would have been the equivalent of wrenching the gun out of my enemy's hand, throwing it at my ally, and then wandering off.

At home my computer was already telling me that I had bunches of messages from Jade and Karkat. I clicked them closed, deciding to turn to them later. A message popped up from Tavros as if the heavens were flipping me off.

**AT: hEY dAVE,**

**AT: aRE STILL COMING OVER TOMORROW?**

**AT: yOU WERE SUPPOSED TO, UH, TELL ME AT MY LOCKER,**

**AT: ,,, dID YOU,,, FORGET ABOUT MEETING ME? **

I rested my head on the tips of my fingers and let out a drawn out sigh, then pushed my glasses up on my nose (you know, to prepare to be a proper Strider.)

**TG: hey tav**

**TG: look**

**AT: wHAT? **

**TG: well ill just be blunt here**

**TG: im breaking up with you**

I'd never done this in my life. Me and Terezi's break up was, like, two-hundred percent mutual. I was totally in on it, totally agreed with her that, yeah, we should break up. But, you know, she'd been the one to bring it up. Not that I wasn't in total agreement with her. So, I didn't have much experience with this whole breaking up thing. And yet, I still was extremely apathetic. Then, I believed it was just because I knew how to handle my crap. Now, I'm starting to become increasingly convinced that it's actually due to the fact that I'm (and this may be shocking to you) a total douche. There was a long pause before Tavros responded.

**AT: ,,,,,,,, oH,**

**AT: uHH, **

**AT: WHY?**

I'd probaly hit the millionth as far as lies with this next one.

**TG: its got nothing to do with you**

**TG: im just not doing so hot in my classes**

**TG: and bro says i cant date for a while**

**AT: oH,**

**AT: aLRIGHT,  
AT: iM GLAD I DIDNT UPSET YOU,**

Any normal human being would have felt remorse. I did, but it was tiny. Bite-sized. Like I should have had a whol chicken of remorse but all I had was a fucking nugget.

And, the first thing on my mind was relief that I had just saved my chances with John.

**A/N: TAT THAT WAS REALLY FRIKKIN MEAN DAVE. hugs Tavros**


	4. Karma

**;w; i'm glad you guys read this. I'd really, really love some more reviews? **

Now, things were going pretty good. In two weeks, I'd managed to get pretty close with John. And I could tell things were going pretty good, right? He and I hung out most days after school. I, of course, flirted with him most of those days. He never did much more then smirk a little, his ears turning red. I began to really think that the kid liked me.

I didn't believe much in karma. Seriously, if karma was a problem, where had it been all this time? Seriously, I had four (well, three as of late) relationships and I lied just about every time I opened my mouth. And so far, I was doing pretty good. I had pretty good luck. You hear lots of people ranting on about that whole karma shit, but I blocked it off. Just one more mistake, I guess. Maybe being a little superstitious would have saved me some grief later.

But, no, I sauntered into school the next day without much worry. Well, not in the sense of karma really. I was planning to ask John out, so I had a bit of nerves about that. I hadn't asked anyone out since Terezi. But besides that, I wasn't giving that much thought to anything to do with karma. Or common since.

You know, by now, you've probably thought about this whole scenario. You're probably a nice, intelligent reader. You're thinking "Well, gee-golly Dave, are you fucking retarded? You seriously just told your ex that you weren't allowed to date anyone and now your promenading around with John Egbert for everyone to see?" Well, yes. You're right on that one. I am retarded. But I didn't realize that, no. I thought I was so great at this whole game. Dave Strider, stealer of hearts. Juggler of romance.

Yeah, well, like I said, I didn't notice. But that doesn't mean other people didn't. The first to confront me was no other then my lovely blind friend. But it wasn't in her normal way, sauntering up beside me coolly without a word. Today it was gritted teeth, sharp canines flashing as she stormed over. And then she slapped me. And trust me, I have been slapped by Terezi many times. But this time, it was really meant to _hurt_. And good God, it did. I furrowed my brow and scowled, clutching the left side of my face. "The fuck, TZ?"

"So," she snarled, her voice sounding broken, "_John_ now? And you broke up with Tavros? The hell, Dave?"

I frowned. "What? It's not like I'm cheating on them in this ca-"

'What about me, you douche?" There was silence, which angered her even more. She clenched her fists, scowling even more. "Do you think I really get a kick out of being your back-up?"

"What the hell? Why are you talking about this all of a sudden?"

"Because you're getting out of control!" I gaped.

"Why do you act like I'm the one that broke your heart? You're the one that broke up with me! And you're the one that was just fine that I was cheating when I was with you." Terezi tensed further.

"You know what? I thought maybe you weren't gonna _stay _with your stupid internet boyfriend after that kiss! And yet, you did, and I was too stupid to know to run." There was another long pause. "I'm giving up this time."

"Tere-"

"Can it," she growled. She stormed off. I blinked.

And yet, I was only a bit upset. I was more angry. I had always felt like Terezi had been toying with my emotions for a long time. Dumping me for some random douchebag? Then kissing me when she knew I was already with someone else? I hadn't even considered that she might not be totally okay with seeing me in secret. I mean, she'd never said anything about it. I brushed it off as her being hormonal, her making up how she had felt to rile herself up.

What a lovely person I am, I know. But karma wasn't done.

Terezi didn't sit with us at lunch. So, I ended up having a bit of decency. I ended up looking for her instead of asking John out. But I had every intent of cutting our whole not-quite relationship off with her if she didn't like me being with John. Still, she'd been my best friend for a long time. I ended up not finding her before the bell rang. I ended up walking around a bit after class. The only place I hadn't looked was in the bathrooms, and I couldn't exactly go in there. Still, I decided to check again by her locker.

Instead of founding her I found a hunched over boy with another boy sitting besides him silently. Tavros. And the other kid I recognized as his best friend. Tavros looked up at me, then quickly looked down at his shoes. The other boy, eerily pale with weird makeup on his face looked up at me. His half-grin curled into a snarl. He stood up, which showed that he was pretty tall, probably six feet or so. That beat me and my five and a half feet.

"What," he hissed, "the _FUCK _is your problem, Strider?" He growled.

"Gamzee!" Tavros squealed. "C-calm down!"

Gamzee obviously had no intent of listening to him, and grabbed me by the shoulders. Being the moron I was I didn't have the mind to break away before getting punched. His fist connected with the center of my face, pushing me back a bit. I stood up, unsure whether to fight back or not. Tavros scurried over and shook Gamzee's shoulder. "You think Tav is just some MOTHERFUCKING TOY? You think he doesn't notice you're all over that new boy, you PIECE OF SHIT?" Another hit to my face. This time on my left temple, hitting most of my eye. I staggered against the wall, my fingers flying up to the place I'd been hit.

Tavros shook the boy more desperately. "Gamzee! Gamzee, calm down! You're gonna get in trouble again." Ah, so it wasn't worry for me. Yeah, I probably deserved that one, I realized. The other boy let go of my shoulder and blinked a bit, then turned slowly back to Tavros.

"Man, I'm sorry Tavbro, I just-"

"It's fine, Gamzee. C'mon, I guess we should probably get to class." With a glare over his shoulder, Gamzee led Tavros off.

Sitting at home with ice over my twice-impaled face, I stared at my computer screen, my leaning on my left hand, which held the ice. I frowned at my screen.

**GG: hey dave!**

**GG: how was your day, sweetie? **

Any other guy in the entire world would've thought that maybe some sort of divine force was trying to send him a message. He would have cut the nonsense. If he really felt specially about someone, say, a boy named John, then he would've quit the crap and stopped messing around with his remaining love interests.

Not me, of course. I just couldn't get enough of destructing my own life, it seems.


	5. It's Different, But I'm Not

So, I did it. Fair and square, I got the guy. A week after I originally planned to, but he said yes all the same. The kid was way more shy than me and (much like Tavros I tried not to think) stayed a safe distance away from me. He smiled sympathetically and explained that he wasn't sure he was quite comfortable letting everyone know he was into guys. I was fine, still reveling in my victory over winning over John. He followed after me, his ocean-like eyes trained on me. I walked along with a rehearsed sense of calm, toning down my grin to a sly smirk.

Terezi wasn't avoiding me at school, but she ignored any of my attempts at conversation. I decided to let it lie for a while, because I figured she'd probably want some time alone. Or maybe I was just too lazy to worry about her feelings. You know, either way. At first I was wary of Tavros' friend. Apparently, he'd sent two kids to the hospital once. When they asked him why he shrugged distantly and said he didn't know. For some reason this creep wasn't locked up but instead prowling the halls, waiting for a chance to run into me when Tavros wouldn't stop him. It seemed like it wasn't likely to happen, considering the kid was constantly flying over to Tavros like a magnet.

And Terezi, too, ended up hanging out with Tavros more. Apparently, she told him about how she'd been with me during the relationship and the two of them formed a nice little Anti-Dave club. Terezi's cronies followed.

Only then did I reach my first revelation. And it was the smallest to come. I looked around at the table, which was empty for John and I. And I realized besides Terezi, I didn't have many friends at school. I'd been friends with her, and I hadn't been satisfied with that. I asked her out, dying for _more _of her attention. And I'd been the same way with Tavros, save that he'd confessed to me first. And now the same thing with John.

…But something told me it wasn't the same thing. I felt different with John, like he was somehow more important than the others. Of course, I always felt a strong sense of favoritism when I started dating a new person. But John came before everyone else. My balance between my three relationships swayed dramatically towards John. I'd find myself staring at my phone screen, half awake, waiting for his response to nonsense messages. All the while, messages from Karkat and Jade were exploding, which I pushed aside, answering only when John was asleep.

With Terezi, I was happy to bullshit with her all day. If we got to the kissing thing, great, a bonus. With Tavros I never really minded that he wanted to take things (painstakingly, if I may add) slow. And obviously I didn't really get anything like that from Jade or Karkat.

But with John, I was nearly ready to drive my head through a wall. I wanted, not only, to have him kiss me because I wanted to be able to break in my new boyfriend's lips. That was certainly a reason, and that was the one I believed in.

What I really wanted, I suppose, was confirmation. To be sure that John loved me, that he cared about me, that he loved me above anyone else. I hear that now, how much I wanted to be his one and only, and didn't even consider what was wrong with me, and it makes me sick.

When we ended up kissing, it occupied the greater portion of my brain for most of the night. Being up against him with our lips locked firmly, nothing too hungry, but just a long, simple kiss. And I sat, staring at the grey text on my phone, nearly going cross-eyed. The image of John's pink face, his ear bright red swam around in my head, freezing my fingers. I couldn't type a response to Karkat; I didn't know how.

**CG: WHERE WERE YOU YESTERDAY?  
CG: YOU'RE LIKE… NEVER NOT ONLINE.**

**CG: I NEVER SUSPECTED YOU HAD THINGS YOU ACTUALLY DID BESIDES SIT AROUND ON YOUR ASS DOING GOD-KNOWS-WHAT**

I typed without thinking.

**TG: well actually i was thinking**

**CG: THAT'S RARE.  
TG; i'm being serious karkat  
CG: WELL THEN QUITE THE FUCKING THEATRICS, HUH? **

**CG: YOU'RE MAKING ME NERVOUS. **

**TG: i was thinking maybe **

**TG: well  
TG: maybe we should break up**

And then I did it. I made yet _another _mistake. My conscience (which I had successfully diminished to a microscopic size_ that had practically been screaming at me that John was special, that I needed to get my act together because I knew I couldn't keep doing this forever if I cared about John. For the hundred-millionth time in my life, I ignored my conscience.

**CG: WHAT?  
TG: mhm**

**TG: so you see**

**TG: thats why i was gone  
TG: i went on a soul-soothing journey to contemplate this relationship**

**CG: … I'M GONNA GUESS YOU'RE TRYING TO PULL SOME LAME-ASS JOKE.**

**TG: of course i am**

**TG: god youre slow, dude**

**CG: OH LIKE YOU'RE NOT UNPREDICTABLE AS FUCK**

**CG: MAYBE ****_I _****SHOULD BREAK UP WITH YOU**

**CG: HMMF**

I spent the rest of the night slinging insults back and forth with Karkat in between shamelessly flirting, like usual. But for once in my life, I wasn't able to push the voice of reason out of my head. And it only had one thing to say, over and over.

_What the hell are you doing. _


	6. Whoops

Things fell back into a rhythm. John, Karkat, Jade, I had it all under control. Though now I had this stupid thing that was apparently that "conscience" everyone was going on about. And it really liked to bug me when I was with John. But even that I was able to keep under control after a while.

I still hadn't made much progress with patching things up with Terezi. I felt like it was a lost cause, I'd probably pissed her off too good this time. She made herself scarce around me. I had to give her credit for not telling John all my awful secrets. That was actually pretty cool of her, which made me feel pretty bad. I wished there was some way to make it up with her.

But, then, I was too lazy to actually take the time to make things better with her. It hardly mattered to me that she was my best friend. And I was probably gonna need her help down the road. I was too busy with my own crap.

Busy with spending all my spare time with John. After school, the weekends, lunch. After a while, I invited him to stay overnight, which caught him off guard. It'd been a while since we started dating, but not that long. It wasn't like I was going to try anything. He was a bit weary, but after convincing him that Bro didn't care he agreed. And as far as his paranoid old man knew he was just going over a friends.

It ended up going okay. We played video games, raided the fridge, and got generally ignored by Bro. It was right before we fell asleep that things absolutely went to shit.

It had been dark for a while now, the light coming from two abandoned laptops. I curled up further against John, clutching the blanket over the both of us with one hand while I held his neck with the other. "Hey...," he mumbled between kisses. "Isn't... your brother gonna... come yell at us or something?" I laughed through his lips.

"He's probably buried to deep in his basement lair to care what I'm doing. What about your old man?" John held me closer, shifting slightly.

"Well, I told you he doesn't... really know about you and I."

"What am I supposed to do when we get married or whatever, John? Gotta tell him some point. I mean, it's been two months." He broke away from my lips and rested his head on my shoulder, sighing.

"I _know_. Every time I tell him, he's always busy or whatever. But don't worry, I'll tell him." I nodded and hugged him, shutting my laptop with my foot, causing the room to dim a bit. John yawned and stretched, then lied down. I lied down next to him, smiling contently. My phone started chiming. Seeing it was Jade I nervously turned it off before he could see anything. Not that it was going to reveal much.

That was also new. Before I practically threw caution to the wind with this whole thing. It honestly didn't matter that much to me. Whatever happened, happened. But now, with John, I made sure to cover all my tracks. He couldn't find out. I couldn't lose him.

"So, hey," I mumbled, throwing the blanket over him, "After this week it's April break. I guess I'm staying home for it. How about you? You doing anything?" He nodded a bit, his eyes still closed.

"Yeah...," he mumbled, nuzzling against the pillow and yawning sleepily.

"Yeah? Partying or something?" I said with a small smirk. He laughed quietly.

"No, not really. I'm just going a few states down to visit some family. My uncle, grandpa and my cousin."

"Sounds fun," I said sarcastically. He shook his head, smiling, opening his eyes a bit.

"It's actually pretty cool. I mean me and my cousin are pretty close. She's really nice."

"Ah, so at least you won't be bored senseless or anything."

"Yeah," he muttered. "Jade's pretty cool."


	7. Nausea

And so off he went, two days later. It was only a matter of time before it would all fall to pieces. And if he didn't know something was wrong, then he would soon enough. But I definitely made it way too obvious that something was bugging me about the whole thing. After he had told me about "cousin Jade" he slept sound. It took a lot of restraint to keep myself from violently shaking him awake and say... well, I don't know. The truth? Mostly I needed to know if it was the same Jade. It couldn't be, right? No... it couldn't be. _He_ might've been out like a light, but it took me hours to fall asleep.

In the morning I was queasy and exhausted. John didn't wake up until later. I sat and thought. Thought about a lot of things. Mostly I thought about every possible scenario that could ever occur over the next few days. He started to stir, making me flinch a bit in surprise. John smiled at me, and I struggled to smirk back. And then I waited. Be cool, be cool. I waited while he got dressed. I waited while he brushed his teeth, and while I threw Pop-tarts into the toaster.

"So," I said as easily as possible, though I ended up sounding choked, "What's your family over there like?" He shrugged. I hardly heard him explain that his grandfather liked hunting and that most of his family did. His dad had moved away, kind of being the black sheep of the family. I could hardly hear him through the blood pumping in my ears. I tried to think of Jade mentioning hunting and plenty of examples hit me. Her bragging about catches. Her talking about getting a new rifle. Oh God, oh God. Why was this happening? Jesus.

"So are you and Jade close?" John shrugged and shook his head, swallowing his sip of milk before speaking again.

"We don't really talk except our visits. We don't have too much in common. Well... everyone kinda says we look alike. But that's about it." I swallowed and mustered a grin. I needed to know what she looked like. I already felt doomed. But I needed to be one-hundred-percent doomed.

"Looks like you? So she's hot then?" His face flushed.

"Dave!" He squealed, covering his face. It made my heart plummet. God, I was going to lose him, wasn't I? He composed himself, and I attempted to do the same. "I don't really see it. I mean... sort of but she's tanner and her eyes are green and stuff. Heh, I'm rambling." It felt like I was choking on air.

That was my Jade.

Holy shit, that was my Jade.

That was my Jade and John was going to go visit her. I could imagine them both, sprawled out in sleeping backs, Jade talking in a hushed voice about her _sweetheart _boyfriend. She'd tell him my name. And his eyes would widen, he'd straighten up. And he'd hate me.

I needed him not to go. I needed to get this sorted out. But this time I knew it was out of my hands. I couldn't handle this. I'd been juggling for too long and two of the pins were about to hit me in the face.

Over the course of the rest of the day and Sunday I got even worse. "Do you have to go?" I texted him. "Like seriously I'm going to be so bored." He responded quickly.

"God, don't worry. It's not like I'm going to be gone forever." I threw myself down on my bed. sighing and rubbing my eyes with my thumb and forefinger. He _was _going to be gone forever. At least he'd want to spend that long having nothing to do with me. I considered breaking up with Jade. No, then she would be upset about her boyfriend breaking up with her. And there was even _more _of a chance of the both of them finding out. I couldn't do it.

When John left, I didn't have the strength to move much. I sat around the house. I watched stupid reruns of shows I hated. I stuffed my face full of Doritos and Pepsi. And Monday rolled by. It was hard to sleep. I ignored texts. I got a few from John, which nearly made me have a panic attack. But they were only updates like "Almost there!" or "Man, the traffic is crazy!" By the end of the day he was either too busy or too angry to text me. Sleep was difficult for the third month of the day.

Tuesday inched by. I watched more television, screwed around on the internet, ate more crap. A message from John. "How's your vacation?" I told him it was boring. Boring was not even remotely the correct word for what was going on. I needed someone to talk to.

Oh. I ruined my friendship with Terezi. And Bro? I wasn't going to tell him about all this. I had no idea what I would even say, or how he would respond. I shakily held my phone and scrolled down to Terezi's contact. I felt like crap. Now I needed her. Now I wanted her help. I turned off my phone.

Wednesday was creeping by. I could hardly manage to eat. There was a huge lump in my throat, and I felt even more nauseous. Then, the afternoon hit.

Oh God did the afternoon hit. One message from John. Two, three, four. A message from Jade, then more, before I could even get the message app opened.

**EB: what the fuck**

**EB: dave  
EB: we need to talk**

**EB: like**

**EB right now**

I blinked and swallowed and opened Jade's messages.

**GG: dave?**

**GG: dave!  
GG: you better be there!**

**GG: we have something to talk about. right. now.**

I shakily held my phone, hardly breathing. I blanked out, not able to move. It didn't hit me. That I'd messed up. It couldn't be real.

It couldn't be happening. I couldn't be losing John. No, no, no. I looked away from the phone, burying my face in my knees. I gritted my teeth, a wave of hatred washing over me. I groaned loudly, clenching my phone tightly still. It began to ring. I stared at it for two more rings.

John.

I carefully picked it up and held it up to my ear. "H...hey."

"I can't believe you," he hissed. I swallowed, knowing it was time, for once, to tell the truth.


	8. Worthless

I gripped the phone tightly, choking on air. A long silence was drawn out, accented by the fizzing of static. 'W-what?" I rasped out finally. I heard a scoff over the phone. A girl, obviously Jade, was saying something in the background that I couldn't make out.

"I think you know what," John said. His voice was low and cracked. "U-unless there are two Dave Striders. And the other one is just like you. If not, then you've been cheating on me." There was a pause. "No. You've been cheating on Jade. With me." I sputtered, looking for an answer. I couldn't think of anything. "What the hell Dave?"

"I... I'm sorry," my mouth said before my mind.

"Sorry? So you did? So there's no excuse?"

"No...," I whispered. "There's not. I was just...,"

"A douche? A fucking liar? Yeah, Dave. Yeah, you were. You know what, Jade's crying," his voice broke again, "And I doubt you have anything pr-prolific to say."

"John, I'm so sorry. I was-" _Click._ I sat stupidly, staring off as the dial tone humming in my ear. God, I'd messed up so bad.

Monday came all to fast. I was up before dawn. I spent one hour, then two, staring up at the ceiling. My mind wandered. I practically felt like crying. But I couldn't. Even if I wanted to. I just couldn't bring tears out of my eyes. I sighed for the hundredth time and threw my blankets off, faced by the cold air of the morning.

I considered staying home. But that would be worse. I needed to see John. Like an idiot, I figured I might still have a chance. Like he'd be willing to take me back. I stared at my phone, which was dead. Last night I'd broken up with Karkat. So I was now officially alone. Karkat was mad at me. Jade hated me. Terezi hated me. Tavros hated.

John hated me.

I dragged myself to school, arriving late from taking too long meandering there. When I got to math class, John was hidden in the back corner. His head was down, and he stared at the paper in front of him, hardly moving. I looked down at my feet, wandering in. He never bothered look up. I watched him most of class. He busied himself sharpening his pencil over and over or scribbling on his paper. The teacher came over and put a hand on his shoulder, whispering something. He shook his head, then worked on his paper until she turned away. I looked down at my own paper, which had nothing more than my name hastily scrawled across the top.

The next few classes I didn't see him. Terezi was in gym. I looked over at her, and she seemed to be "looking" over at me or whatever it was she did. She turned on her heel and went back to dribbling a basketball in place.

Lunch, I knew, was going to be the worst. And it was. I sat alone in the hallway, staring at my biology homework that was due next class. It was supposed to be done over vacation, and I left it completely empty. I read it for the hundredth time, not understanding it any more. I looked up to see Terezi hovering over me. I blinked. She slumped down next to me without a word, facing the wrong way.

"I screwed up," I choked. She turned her head, then shifted at the sound of my voice so she was facing me.

"You really did," she said. "You wanna talk about it?"

I shook my head. "I just feel pretty fucking stupid."

She shrugged. "I could've told you this was going to happen. But at least you came to your senses, huh?" I hesitated.

"Look, Terezi, I'm sorry abo-"

"Don't be," she said. "We both kinda screwed that relationship over. But we're still best friends all the same." I nodded.

"Is John okay?"

"Is he here today? He's not in the lunch room." I stood up.

"I have to find him." Terezi reluctantly followed me as I jogged down the hallways. I looked into classrooms and checked in the office window. I opened the door to the second story bathroom, Terezi lingering outside, leaning against the water fountain as it ran. I looked around and found John sitting, with his knees tucked up against his chest, sitting in the corner.

"John." John looked up at me, his eyes bloodshot.

"Leave me alone," he hissed, scooting backwards." I knelt down next to him.

"John, I'm so sorry. I... I had this whole mess going on for a long time an I...," I swallowed. "I should've gotten it straightened out."

"Oh, you think so?" He spat. "I... all that shit about loving me and caring about me. It was bullshit. And you know what?" He laughed weakly. "The sooner I can put this whole shit relationship behind me, the better. So why don't you just leave me the fuck alone."

"John."

"Because I'm done dealing with you. And I don't want you to tell some bullshit lies, alright? It's all done. You screwed up, and I screwed up for trusting you. And this," he spat. "This stupid god damned relationship isn't going to mean _crap _to me when I'm older, and I'm sure it meant nothing to you already. So let's keep this concise."

"John, please listen to me-"

"No," he snapped. "Just leave."

So I did. And I'd never felt more worthless than I did then, with John's words spinning around in my mind.


	9. Just the Truth This Time

**Final chapter! Thank you everyone so much for reading, reviewing, following and otherwise supporting.**

* * *

So I don't know what you're thinking. I don't either. I don't know why I'm writing this, and I don't know why I'm still trying to pick up the pieces. It been almost three months now. I haven't talked to John once. I hadn't heard at all from Jade, and I hadn't talked to Tavros either. Karkat had started talking to me again but it's awkward and stilted. The only person I really have is Terezi. And she's brutally honest in telling me that I probably have the same chance of getting John back as I do learning to fly. And I know that.

I know that, and I'm typing this as quickly as I can, like I have to finish. Like I have to set it all out, unravel it all in my stupid, slow, mind so I can figure out what the hell is wrong with me. Why did I take everything for granted? If I was so bent set on getting attention, being wanted why did I go about it like this? It was obvious that it was all going to come crashing down at some point. So why didn't I just... just... do something, I don't know, less stupid?

And God did I feel stupid. Every day at school was getting worse and worse as John got more and more distant. After a while his halfhearted glances over at me disappeared. His sitting alone at lunch turned to him surrounded by new friends, new people. And he laughed and joked with them and didn't even notice me, hunched over, practically melting into the walls as I walked through the hallways. Just like he said- it was a worthless relationship and it wasn't going to matter to him soon enough.

But it still matters to me. I'm still seeing him every time he walks by in the halls. I'm still daydreaming, watching him from halfway across the lunchroom. I was used to having everything I wanted. I was used to having as many chocolates as I wanted. And here I was with the empty box, wondering why I'd ever thought what I was doing was justified.

But hey, at least I got what I deserved. At least now I'm the one suffering, hating myself. And even though I know that I totally am getting what was coming to me I don't want to take the punishment. God, I want my charming skills to work again and bring John back. But my charming skills are gone with my idiotic rampage around the world of "romance."

But I'm still stubborn. I'm still sitting up every night pledging myself. "Tomorrow's the day I'll talk to him." So that's why I'm writing this now. To get it all out in the open for me to read like it wasn't me, like it was some other idiot that did this. And as soon as I'm done, I'm going to see him.

I'm not going to do anything fancy or stupid like some guys might try. You know, eight dozen flowers and a barbershop quartet. I'm going to stand on his porch with my hands in my pockets. And I'm not taking my shades. I want him to see that behind them, there's real emotion, emotion that I've always hated and kept behind my glasses so that he can't see, so that nobody can see. My hands in my pockets, my eyes exposed, I'm going to tell him I'm sorry. And I'm going to tell him the whole story,, just like this, if he'll listen.

And I'll hope, hope, hope, I'll beg to myself that he'll forgive me. Even if it's just a little. Enough that I don't have to watch him from the sidelines. I've never wanted to be wanted so much before. And now it's different.

I don't want anyone else to want me. Not Jade, not Karkat, not even Terezi. All that matters to me anymore is that I'm important to John. So, you know what, I'm going to wrap this up right here. I have to go get this over with before I chicken out.

And this time, there isn't going to be one single lie. I'm going to be me, I'm going to tell him the truth. And I'm going to make sure he knows I'd rather never love anyone else ever again than have him hate me. That I'm done collecting. I only need one person.


	10. -DUMB NOTICE-

**Hey guys, so I kinda went and started up a sister story to this, mostly as a pov practice. But I thought you guys might be interested? *awkward laugh* I'll just stick it here and hope you guys actually want it and its just not stupid of me... heh.**

s/9507011/1/The-First-Boyfriend-of-John-Egbert

^ yep. um... wow i hope i don't sound dumb. 


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